A few weeks ago in the Saturday Guardian magazine, a reader had written about her real life experience; it was entitled “I forgave the man who killed my daughter.” There followed her account of how she received the news that her 20 year old daughter had been killed by a drunk 24 year old university student. The mother wrote how she felt extreme anger and wanted the driver to receive the maximum jail sentence which he did. He then wrote to her from prison explaining how sorry he was and she realised he wasn’t a “heartless sociopath,” just a young man who had made a stupid, devastating decision for which he had been given 22 years in prison. He was amazed and shocked when the mother said she forgave him and even helped successfully appeal to get his sentence halved. He is due to be released next month and she says ” I genuinely hope he rebuilds his life and finds happiness. I no longer see him as my daughter’s killer. I see him as my friend.

I think of myself as quite a forgiving person but I was still moved by reading this article. Like most people I belive that if anybody harmed my children I could probably kill them myself. Forgiving them seems unlikely. Most psychologists recommend feeling compassionate as the best course of action in these situations as anger and bitterness of course is of no benefit to the victim. But is forgiveness a conscious choice or simply an emotional state? There is little point in saying you forgive if your feelings don’t match up.

Religious believers think we forgive by faith out of obedience because forgiveness goes against our nature.In the New Testament Jesus speaks of the importance of Christians forgiving or showing mercy towards others. The Parable of The Prodigal Son is a well known example of this teaching. And of course on the cross Jesus said “Father forgive then for they know not what they do.”

I think you can make a choice to forgive; I naturally and easily forgive my children their misdemeanours,even when they ought to know better. Adult transgressions are slightly more complex; I have witnessed couples in week long stand-offs when neither will talk or apologise; to do so would be the same as  forgiving and some people apparently like to actively hold on to or even the hurt caused. Perhaps they like the status of “victim.” Idleness stops me from getting engaged in these stand-offs, it’s quite hard and energy-sapping to sulk for any length of time. Eventually of course one member of the couple will capitulate so best to get it over with and carry on. So forgiveness is not really surrendering or a sign of weakness but perhaps the only sane reaction to traumatic circumstances. Or as JFK said “Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.”